This is the time of the year again when one finds time to honor one's mother. I have written drafts before wherein I put my thoughts and memories of my beloved mother but I never really got to share them and somehow I lost those drafts. My mother has passed away in 1988...but my undying love for her remains in my heart and it shall live on until it's my time to go too. With this note, it shall live on in the memories of my children and to those readers who by chance get to read this.
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As a mother myself, I look in awe at how my children have grown to be individuals with worlds of their own, making their own choices in life. I am so proud of them. Was it not just yesterday that I had carried them in my arms? Time flies so fast...indeed so fast. Having been busy raising them up and being a mother and father to them at the same time, trying to do all the obligations and responsibilities incorporated into parenthood, one feels so guilty of not having had enough time to cherish moments of their growing up years.Time was not always enough..time was always running away from me and it was hard to catch up. Now I look at them and all I have are photographs and memories of their childhood years. I have loved them dearly and I will always love them for the rest of my days.
No matter how I did my very best in raising them up I still find myself thinking that I could have done more, could have done better. It's as if there was something else I haven't done and I should have exerted more effort. Maybe a mother feels that way to her children... maybe because a mother's love knows no limits.
Now I am missing on my own mother. Did I ever thank her for all the sacrifices she has made to raise me up to what I have become now? There were no words spoken about how she felt about me. But I knew...I knew and I felt how much she loved me as a child, my turbulent teenage years, my college days and by the time I got married and had children of my own. Between us words were not necessary..we understood each other on how much love and affection we have for each other.
When I think of home I think of my mother. She was always there with open arms, a loving heart and a warm smile. As a child, the first thing that I did upon entering the house upon arriving home from school was to find her and run to her to make "mano", embrace her tightly and kiss her face, her cheeks, her nose and her chin.I loved doing that to her because it made her smile. There would always be hot food on the table waiting for a hungry child. Whenever I got sick, she would always attend to me and she would sleep beside me just to assure me that I will be alright. Her warm embrace was sufficient to make me feel better more than the bitter medicines that I had a hard time swallowing down my throat.
She knew what was going on in my life even if I didn't utter a word to her. When I broke up with my boyfriend in college and I was despondent that I just stayed in my room most of the time, she would go upstairs in my room and just stayed there, probably hoping that I would open up my miseries to her which I never did. But she stayed there and even asked me if she could sleep in the other bed that night. I had two beds in my room and she just stayed there telling me stories and I was politely listening to her. Little did I know that she was doing that on purpose, to divert my thoughts and feelings so that I would feel better and think less of my boyfriend and the pain even for that night only. How did she know I was in pain that night? In a way it became my healing process until as of this writing. Whenever I am emotionally upset, I try to keep my mind and body busy in order for me to think less of the problem and to feel less of the pain. That was how I learned how to get by. And I thank my mother for that..for teaching me to be strong in her own subtle way.
In high school, she would always be called to the principal's office along with the other parents due to the pranks me and my classmates always ended up doing. She would reprimand me afterward when we were alone together, never in the presence of anyone. She respected my person even if I put her on the spot and into shame for having a mischievous daughter. She knew that I was just having fun and enjoying my teenage years. I knew that she didn't approve of such but she gave me the freedom anyhow to just do what my young spirit could possibly do...and if I fell and hurt myself, she will leave me alone to stand up on my own two feet again but she would be there behind and beside me just in case I needed her hand to raise me up.
Even if she didn't approve of the man I wanted to marry, she respected my decision. She knew how stubborn I was and how I wanted to have what I really wanted as long as I could justify my choice. She came to my room one night and asked me if I was sure of my decision, then she gave me the pros and cons of such. She left me in my room to give me privacy..to give me time to weigh matters on my own. I was in love and everything seemed possible to me. I wanted to be married and live happily ever after so to speak. I finally decided to leave behind my happy, carefree, single life to be with the man I love. I wanted to grow old with him and to take care of him just like how my mother took care of my dear father. I saw how much they loved each other and I wanted that badly for my own married life. So I got married. Years after I tell myself....I should have listened to my mother, I should have given myself more time to weigh matters...the pros and cons. I never hinted to my mother that her daughter was no longer happy after all. I had always put a smile on my face to deceive her that I made the right decision. But Mama, my dear Mama must have perceived that to happen .....because long before I got married she wrote me a letter........to always "smile" even if my heart is breaking...just like in the song "smile".....she was already teaching me on how I will get by and how to move on basing on her mother's instinct that someday I will experience this pain in my life.
And I miss her so much....because she was always there... she always knew... and she loved me unconditionally for who I was and what I have become......no words spoken between us until she passed away. As a mother now.....I understand and feel in my heart those unspoken words of love and affection....and it is breaking my heart because she is no longer here beside me. I would like to embrace her and thank her.....and all I could do now is to write this note for her.
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