| MY THOUGHTS ON PAPER - by Oying Cayabyab-Yago | for lorelei's network |
I am always writing. Whether it is in my journal, a piece of paper, a table napkin, at the back of my planner or work notebook. Somewhere along the pages of my numerous notebooks one will find some scribbles on thoughts, on feelings and opinions that I have somehow ventilated at the spur of the moment. Somehow, putting my thoughts on paper is an emotional release on my end…a habit that I have developed as a growing up kid when so many questions filled my mind and so few answers to empty it. My teenage and college years were most intense when emotions were high and intolerable and one needed to somehow find a way to relate, to communicate and to be understood.
A lot of my scribbles then were love and crush related. You know that feeling if you were a girl and you had a crush on a cute guy and you just didn't know what to do. I guess the opposite sex had the same experience except that most guys were expected to make the first move in showing their feelings for the girl that they were crushing on. For most girls during my time, we were taught to wait for the guy to open up their feelings and not show our feelings first. So there goes. Suppressed feelings. All those went to the pages of my notebooks. That time if a girl showed some interest first to a guy, she got branded as a flirt, aggressive and all bad names that seemed like you went to bed with any Tom, Dick and Harry when all you did was smile and said hello to a cute guy and maybe along the way mentioned that you liked him. I would have nothing of that more so if it reached the ears of my parents and siblings. I would be for sure reprimanded and grounded for the rest of my party days. So I was careful and watched my moves that it did not go beyond the firing line. Not that I am complaining now, I am somehow grateful that I had that strict upbringing, otherwise dear me would have chased all the handsome and cute guys that I met during those years and maybe either scared the guys away or they took advantage of poor me. So all those ”I love you” and “I like you” and “You are sooooo cute” were written on those pages instead of telling those feelings for the cute guy who was so slow in making the first move. Somehow, after going out on many dates like eating out and watching a movie and the guy has not uttered any emotional interest even if obviously he liked me, I would be silently screaming inside of me that he was taking his sweet time and maybe wasting my time. So there….my shock absorbers were my poor notebooks. Most of the above were during my high school days.
I was a bit more open and a little more confident about myself during college days. So writing became scant and relegated to serious situations like break-ups and jealousies. Also when I was overjoyed with a certain emotional development. So those became my main topics. I even shared a common journal with my boyfriend at that time wherein we wrote what we were feeling at that time most especially when we were mad at each other and we could not express our frustrations verbally. Hmmm…writing about that now makes me wonder where that journal went. Anyhow, aside from those ventilated frustrations, amorous notes were also scribbled and it made each day exciting as we were both in anticipation on what each one wrote.
Confusion also made its way into the pages of my college notebooks. Though I was so in love with my current boyfriend that time in college, there were stages in my love life that I crushed as well on other guys who gave me the much-needed attention and care that I did so needed that time, emotional voids in my life that needed nurturing. Tried so hard to avoid such complication in my life but one thing that it really taught me….that one cannot teach a heart whom to love. And I just had to be fair to both of them. One's intelligence will not suffice all the logic behind what one's heart really feels. That time I was in total confusion and my notebooks were filled to the last pages with my emotions, I found myself writing and pouring it all out there on paper, it made me feel a bit better but not totally. So with all the confusion that my dearest loving heart got me into, and bearing logic to mind, I broke off with two guys I dearly held close to my heart. They both meant the world to me. That way I thought I won’t be hurting anyone with jealousy and bruise their pride. That was how much I loved them both…so I let go. I just let go. I wanted to clear myself also of the confusion that grew in my heart and mind. And I was left alone with more notebooks to write on about the loneliness and hurt I had to deal with… and heal by myself with my journals…my notebooks…table napkins and any paper on sight and grab.
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